Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Important Things. Eternal Things.

Have you ever been in a dream that you never want to wake up from? One you wouldn't mind falling into forever? Maybe it's exciting or peaceful or you are surrounded by the best people, maybe you are learning something, something you could not learn while waking, maybe it just feels right to be there. It's not even that everything in the dream is good or perfect but it is so worth holding onto and "pushing through it" to see what happens. Do you know that pushing feeling? The one you get when you start to pull out from those dreams and you push to keep on sleeping so that you can keep it going? I don't know, maybe I just have a weird relationship with sleep.

On March 18, 2009 I fell into something that felt just like one of those dreams. I was able to spent my time with some of the most wonderful people and I received my first companion. It was exciting, it was peaceful, I was learning things that I could not have learned easily in what I had always felt was real life. It felt right to be there. And it wasn't that everything was good or perfect, but it was so worth holding onto and "pushing through it" to see what was going to happen. It was other worldly, on so many levels and in the best way. The smells, the sights, the people, the feelings. That dream became my reality for the next 18 months of my life. The cosmos shifted and what seemed like "real life" before faded into a distant dream, one I was so glad to wake up from. My reality was more solid, certain and eternal than it had ever been. I expanded, and a little world inside me was born. There is nothing through out all eternity that can undo that birth. It is so real.

Interestingly enough, I had a mission companion describe coming home like "entering into a weird dream where all these things just keep happening to you" (here's looking at you Picard). Returning home felt so surreal and imagined. It didn't feel like home at all. I was anxious to wake up, for things to be real again. There was no shifting of the  cosmos this time. There was happiness and a wide array of emotion, but no worlds were born. Things did not seem solid or certain or eternal. They just were. I just was. Days would pass and things just kept "happening to me". So much of it felt forced.

On December 28, 2014 I wrote a blog that none of you read, because I never published it. The bulk of it was too personal and too revealing, but I will share this:

"Four years after returning from my mission and roughly three years after losing my entire self (an entire self that I quite liked) I finally feel like I am coming home. It looks different than I thought home would look, but it feels just the same. It feels peaceful and whole and solid. I have never really believed in soul mates or destinies. I didn't find either. But I do believe in best friends and coming home. And found both.

On December 19, 2014 Spencer Glenn Vail asked me if I would marry him. I said yes. And I meant it. ...While he has asked for my whole self, something I did not want to give nor did I feel I had to give, he has also offered, unconditionally, his whole self. Part of me still feels I only have half of me to give, but I am positive that Spencer would give me all of him in exchange for half of me. Because I am that lucky"

On March 18, 2015 I stepped into a second dream. The ones you never want to wake up from. I was able to spent my time, on that day and every day since, with some of the most wonderful people and I chose my last, final and eternal companion. It is exciting, it is peaceful, I am learning things that I could not have learned easily in what I had feared had become real life. It feels right to be here. And it's not that everything is good or perfect, but it is so worth holding onto and "pushing through it" to see what's going to happen next. It is other worldly, on so many levels and in the best way. That dream has become my reality for the rest of my life. The cosmos have shifted once more and what seemed like "real life" has faded into a distant dream, one I am so glad to have woken up from. My reality is more solid, certain and eternal than it has ever been. I have expanded, and another world inside me has been born. There is nothing through out all eternity that can undo that birth. It is so real.

It has been and continues to be more and better than I ever could have imagined. I expected a decent husband, I got a celestial one. I cannot brag enough of the kindness, service and effort this man puts into me. I love him so much and so much more with every passing moment. And, I will never have to try to "come home" from this one. I have entered in to the most wonderful eternal dream with so many more adventures to have, growth to be made and worlds to be born.

Sunday, February 9, 2014


I think obsession can have some pros when done right. These are currently some of mine:

This song. If I ever develop any music ability at all I will shout this song at the top of my lungs to anyone who will listen. It is my mantra. Be yourself people. Let the words fall out. Honestly, I wanna see you be BRAVE! Because being yourself is brave.

This talk. Seriously. On repeat while I get ready in the mornings. I'm not sure if it will ever stop.

This goodness. They sell small ones at Costco and I love them. This heated up with some honey greek yogurt spread on it and I am good. Best.

Thats pretty much it. I don't really have an obsessive personality.

I also am really into cuttlefish lately. This is the best documentary I have watched in a while if you have about an hour:

Sunday, January 5, 2014

So many things.

So I don't blog alot. Obviously.  I am really really bad at it. I'm hoping to get better at it though, because recently I have incurred a great deal of extra time that needs to be filled. And yes, I meant to use "incurred" there. I even looked it up to be sure. The only thing left to do is make the best of it. I have a laundry list of things to get done and this gives me zero excuses to not move forward with any one of them.

Why am I blogging today?
One: I really do want to blog more.
Two: As stated above, I have some extra time.
Three: I have had quite a few things on my mind lately that I might as well blog about - this blog has no particular topic it will most likely be a stream of consciousness....or a sputtering of it, we will see how well it "streams"

And the main reason: It is a fast sunday (no need to think about breakfast) before 1'clock church that I am up early on and I am sitting in my bed with my bum on a heating pad because I did something awful to my glute. So when I say I have my bum on a heating pad, I quite literally mean I have my bum on a heating pad. It's a bit pathetic, but I am hoping to be up a moving for tomorrow's work out!

So, I have been working out, which was what my last blog was about but I deleted it because it was forever ago. It had a video of the Tattooed mormon doing insanity, which fit perfectly because I am doing insanity, and she was talking about how when things get really tough the director of the program always says things like "You can do it! we are right here with you!" "This part is really important! you can do it! Keep going! Keep pushing". And it is helpful. She likened his encouragements to God's encouragements to us in this life. That this life can get so much harder than an insanity work out, but that God never leaves us and it always rooting for us to come out on top: "You can do it! we are right here with you!" "This part is really important! you can do it! Keep going! Keep pushing!". And you know what? Even though we don't always hear Him or feel Him, It's helpful. I am speechlessly grateful for a Father in Heaven who is there always, but particularly when others cannot be. I have felt His love for me in undeniable ways through out my life. I love and appreciate Him more than anything. He is my favorite.

Trials. I've seen a few. This new years was an interesting one. I saw a best friend that I haven't seen in 3 years and lost contact with one I've seen pretty much everyday for the last 18 months (hence the loads of extra time). Both were pretty much that abrupt and that unexpected. The former was obviously a more welcome surprise than the later. The later wasn't really welcome at all.

The best friend that I met up with while I was home in D.C. is actually a huge jerk. My favorite thing about him though is while being a huge jerk, he owns it. He does not pawn off his emotions or behavior on anyone else but him. Credit and blame are both given where they are due. I absolutely love that about him and I have found it a rare commodity amongst people in general, one I like to think is present in myself. I do not brag on myself very often, so forgive me the next few lines as I highlight what I think are some of my strengths: I am loyal. I love easily and deeply. I am disciplined. I form very close relationships with people. I love agency, both mine, and other peoples. I will not be told what to do, and in that same sense I will not tell you what to do.  I'm more transparent than most. I value people and am able to set my emotions aside to really understand a situation for what it is. Again, I see all of these things as strengths of mine, but they can serve me ill at times. When things go awry and others are driven more by their emotions than by reason I am usually the closest thing to point a finger at. People make assumptions and assertions about me that are very wrong. Which is really frustrating because I feel like I am trying to be transparent and work with them, but its really hard to work with people who are not interested in working with you. The transparency thing bothers me the most. I really don't have anything to hide and people who don't have anything to hide, hide nothing, yet I still find myself subjected to assumptions made by those I have shared the most of myself with.
BOOO. And that's how I feel about that kind of behavior. Really? If I honestly am that source of all your problems then why are you sticking around? Goodness knows I wont make you stay. Will I be sad? Will I second guess myself? Will I feel a bit devalued? Yeah. And that'll suck, but it's better than living in a guessing game for the rest of my life. When it really comes down to it, I feel those things because that's what it is. It is sad. It would be in my best interest to identify where I went wrong, if any, so that I can do better next time and  I am being a bit devalued by someone I value very much. So there. If I am that awful to you and treat you that unfairly, get gone. You will clearly be happier with out me.

Moving on, THIS song:

This hauntingly beautiful song. Its a gut wrenching berating and expression of disappointment that, although seems to be settled somewhere in love, is not. At all. I have sometimes asked myself to whom is this song directed? A significant other? Or the narrator themselves?
Let's run with the first: Run. For sanity's sake run. If anyone speaks to you this way, makes you feel so small and so much like a failure at the thing that is most important; loving; then run. The problem lies with them and you will do yourself well to get out. You will never be good enough for them and know that even when you leave their voice may echo in the recesses of you mind for a time before you feel alright again. No one who truly loves you should ever outcast you so coldly as the person in this song does to the one they are sickly serenading. If this song is from one person to another, the one is attempting to to keep the other in an incredibly unhealthy, dependent relationship that will most likely never improve for either of them. The one will constantly be disappointed in the other while the other will stay in a hopeless effort to appease and support the one. Run. Run so fast.
The second: The disappointment, hopelessness and berating is singing to itself. I'm not sure which is more heart breaking. To have this voice constantly around you or have it be sounding off inside your head day in and day out, tirelessly, creeping into your sleeping moments at times. What an awful echo. One that is most likely to result from the first scenario --- that is probably the most heartbreaking. To reach a point where the awful echo in your head is now constantly confirming the constant buzzing outside of it.

In any case it's not a song of Love. It's a song of blame and emotional disfigurement.

I think I have mulled this song and its origins inside my head over and over again because I have spent some time, even if only a short time, in each of these empty circumstances. I ran, just not fast enough. I have spent more time than anyone should with every note and lyric of this song aimed directly at myself by my own self. Just as important as not tearing another person down is not tearing yourself down.

And there's a chance that I could be completely misunderstanding the song. But thats how it has always struck me. If you have other insights feel free to share them.

I have to leave for church soon and I'm not anywhere near ready. I'm also running out of things to pontificate about so I'm done. Blogging can be tiring. This one was one of those.